The Seeker

I wanted to take a moment to explain why I named the heading of my site The Seeker. It seems as though I am always seeking something, God, friendship, love, joy, peace, family, closure, explanation, reasons, you name it I guess I seek it. I am a people watcher. I love to watch people, what they do and I always wonder what they think. I have been long told I missed my calling as a psychiatrist. In any case I can't help myself from the wondering but that is also what causes me to hurt because I can't or won't ever get the answers to this world of wonder. So do I stop wondering? Stop trying to figure things or people out? Well then life in my opinion would be boring but definitely less painful.

Something realized

Recently my friend posted on his blog asking basically why no one comments that much on his blog entries or engages with him in meaningful conversations about them. His entry made me think of why I don't. I have but not every time or that often. Too be honest I am intimidated by the entries a little thinking maybe I don't understand what he is trying to say but I have many opinions on the matters he has brought up. The other truth is I have come to realize is I am terrified of being thought of in a negative way. I guess this would be most people but what I also came to realize with this is that it has become worse in the last 2 or 3 years. Because at one point I was told a few things about myself that made me think wow, I had no idea that people saw me like that. Although those revealed personalty traits may have only been noticed or disliked by those people. In any case it affected me very much so. To the point of now having an almost paralyzing fear of sharing my thoughts or ideas. I used to be the first one to speak up or share and granted I still am on occasion but more or less I notice myself waiting for a minute to see if anyone else will speak. Then when I do take my turn I am worried about what they are thinking of what I am saying. I am all for debate though when something means a lot to me. But as I have grown older I have fallen back on the old saying "its not worth it". So at times I say yeah I have an opinion but maybe it is just not worth the effort or criticism. So here I sit wanting and having so much to share and say but never letting it out. (sigh) Is it worth it?

Friends?

Some people who know me know that I do what I like to call "friend hard" like "Love hard" I "friend hard". This sounds rougher than it is. What that means is I love my friends with all of my heart I give of myself as much as humanly possible. Is this bad? I don't think so. Do I isolate it to only my friends? I try not to. I try to friend hard on everyone. God asks that of us sometimes. Maybe all the time. In any case this is a hard calling I feel I have.. why? because the friendship is not always returned. Or it is given but then taken away. I really do not know why God has given this heart to me to love my friends so much when he knows that at the same time I am so sensitive that I will and have been hurt. In any case I have to keep on loving no matter what the cost to me or my heart. Just as Jesus loved us down that road to Calvary. Do I claim to be like Jesus? No. Nor do I even try to come close to saying I have sufferred or am suffering as he did? I simply mean to say that my heart is hurting and sad. I know that the Lord is our everything and we are to lean on him but he put people in our lives to hold one another to comfort eachother in a way he knew he would not be able to. Even Jesus went to his friends in times of need. Yes people will always dissapoint us but should they dissapoint themselves or their holy Father? When you tell someone about how much they mean to you and then your actions say different is that not hurtfull? Should that be let go by the person you told it to? A greivance has taken place and it feels like such a burden to say "hey friend what happened to us?" It feels as though if the question is asked all will be lost. But alas if the question is asked and the friendship dies then was it a real friendship? I would say no. Yet the knowledge in that fact doesn't lessen the hurt or make it easier to ask the question. In fact it almost hurts more. But like a bandaid can't we just deal with it quickly and not drag it out? I lost a friend(she passed away) a little over 3 years ago. I was not the greatest friend I could have been to her while she was alive. As a matter of fact I was down right mean to her at times. But I loved her all the same and she loved me too. That experience was one I knew I never wanted to face. We all know eventually someone in our family will die,our mother,father,sister or brother. Especially if they are older or in bad health etc. But do we ever stop to think wow my friend just died or wow my friend could die tomorrow? Especially when they are your age? not really not until we get up in age maybe. But no we really do not stop to think about that possibility of losing a close friend. Sometimes these friends know more about us than our family even our spouses and especially our children. These friends are poeple that God has given us to share our lives with. Not just as one on one but they share our lives with our spouses and children they know us inside and out. Yet we show them so little love or caring. Give them so little time. Not even a phone call for 10 or 15 minutes out of our lives. The bible uses the word "Friend" or reference to over 172 times. "Jesus called them friends". A lot of times the word is used with brother. do not overlook your friends. Do not forget your friends. Remember your friends and what they mean to your life. There is no greater friend than Jesus but he gave us eachother to share himself to one another. Are we doing that? Are you doing that? I love you all my firends!

Hello

Hello there! thought I would give this a try. So I get to write whatever I want. hmmm I don't do much writing but I need to start somewhere. But since it is 4am and I am finally getting tired I will come back later. :)